A Recent Choice

I was called for a two-day substitute assignment in a kindergarten classroom this week.  I was a bit skeptical about taking a job during the first couple weeks of school, but I figured that beggars can't be choosers.  Those two days were very long days.  I spent most of the time putting out fires brought on by lack of social skills.  After that experience, I decided that I am not going to take any more jobs, regardless of grade, this week or next week. 

I made this decision for three reasons.  First, coming in as a substitute is a change, and it doesn't matter what age kids are, they don't deal well with change.  It doesn't matter how detailed the substitute plans are, I can't do things exactly the same way their teacher does things.  Throwing change at them during the first few weeks of school while they are still adjusting to a new routine will not end well.  Secondly, because I'm a change, I want to keep as many things the same as I can, including the behavior/discipline plan.  Regardless of whether I'm comfortable with it or not, I have to stick with what the teacher has set up.  Again, that won't necessarily end well.  Third, I don't know the students.  That is true for the whole year, but it's even worse at the beginning of the year.  The teacher may not know his/her students well enough yet to give a heads-up about possible behavior issues that I might encounter. 

Even as I'm writing this, I feel like it's a justification for being lazy, not working.  I know these are decent reasons, though, and I'm choosing to not make my life miserable.  I need the assignments to pay the bills, but I also don't want to develop an ulcer by the time I turn 30. 

Substitute Teaching

I'm sure how coherent this will be.  I have many thoughts rolling around in my head on this Saturday night.  I'm sure they're related somehow, but I'm not sure I know or can articulate the connections.  As I stare into the face of a new school year, one in which is looks like I will be substitute teaching again, I know I need to make some changes from last year.  The last school year was miserable.  I didn't deal well with the unknown and the anxiety that accompanied it.  It was a long, dark winter of the soul, one that lasted well into June.  Then, I went to camp for the summer, a place where God shows up and lives are changed.  I was reminded that there is a big world outside of worrying about money and trying to find a job.  There is more to life; there has to be.

This year will be different.  I had hoped to find a full-time teaching position, but it doesn't look like that will be happening.  God has apparently called me to be a substitute.  I don't know the reasons why, but God never promised to give us all the answers.  I may not like it, but God never said that we have to like everything He gives us.  He does call us to obey, however.  And obeying is walking through the one and only door that He has opened: substitute teaching.  So that is what I'm going to do.  And I'm going to do it with optimism.  I won't let the anxiety get to me like I did last year.

I did a Bible study by Beth Moore last year that included this quote: "God cannot make a decision for my life outside His lavish love for me."  Substitute teaching is not just what happened because God couldn't make anything else work.  Substitute teaching is God's first choice for me.  And anything He gives me is borne out of His great love for me.  I don't understand that love, and I certainly don't deserve it, but I am eternally grateful for it.

Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  God knows the cries and desires of my heart.  He knows, even when I don't have the words.  Especially when I don't have the words.  As I focus this year on delighting myself in God and being faithful in obeying what He has placed in my life, I have to trust the He knows and hears the desires of my heart and will be faithful in fulfilling them.

Assumptions

There was a series of situations one evening this last week that ended with me in tears.  Things just kept going wrong and I ended up falling apart with feelings of failure that lingered for most of the rest of the night.

There usually is one night each summer when I reach a breaking point and have a complete meltdown.  However, in the past, someone has always been around to walk through it with me (and I very much miss those people).  But not this year.  This year, no one was there to catch me when I fell.  It was a very lonely realization.  I'm tired of always being the strong one.  It's like everyone has this preconceived notions about me, and they don't want to push me too far, so they don't push at all.  They just leave me alone, assuming I'll be okay.  I project a sense of solidity that is really just a mask to cover up my fears.  Because of this, I feel like everyone has all sorts of assumptions about me, instead of getting to know me.  They take my reluctance to form friendships at face value, instead of pushing further and discovering who I really am.  They assume I don't want/need hugs, friends, conversations, invitations to join in, when in fact that's all I really do need.  I'm doing life alone and everyone assumes I'm okay with it.  And at a certain level, I am.  As I've said before, groups of people make me nervous and large groups actually scare me a little.  But in my deepest heart of hearts, I know we were not created to go through life alone.  We need each other.  It's just a matter of finding one or two people willing to push past the facade and get to know the real me, without getting scared off.  Simple enough, right?

Introversion

I am a painfully shy introvert.  It's a horrible combination, but the truth.  I think I'm getting it figured out, though.  Human being make me nervous.  Real, live, messy human relationships scare me.  As an introvert, I'm a thinker.  I have 10,000 things going on in my mind at any given time.  When I'm in a group of people, I am usually an observer, not a participant (painfully shy, remember?).  So, I'm trying to process everything I'm seeing, and everything other people are saying and doing, and also processing all the stuff in my mind.  It's over-stimulating and overwhelming.  I just can't process everything fast enough.  That's stressful.  And then there's the added stress of keeping it all inside because I really don't have anyone to talk to.

That's where the "painfully shy" thing comes into play.  I don't make friends easily.  I'm too shy to take the first step and initiate.  I wait for someone to approach me, which very rarely happens.  And even then, I initially resist out of fear.  The person has to be committed to befriending me; 9.5 times out of 10 that is not the case.  Hence, I have few acquaintances, even fewer friends, and no true close friends. 

It's a lonely way to go through life.  The question then becomes, why has the God of relationships doomed me to a life of loneliness?  I can't believe that is true.  That's not the God I know.  I've spent the last 29 years pretending that I'm okay with situations and stuff that I'm not okay with, trying to follow the advice that public speaking gets easier that more I do it, thinking that there's something wrong with me because I'm not like everyone else.  I'm done pretending to be someone that I'm not.  How do I stay true to my personality, while not using it as a crutch or excuse to avoid fear-causing situations?

This is a lonely life I'm living, but I refuse to believe that this is it.  There's got to be more to life.  There has to be.  The Bible is full of stories of amazing people with abundant lives filled with purpose and meaning.  I want that.  So, how do I get there?

Life

It has been at least a year since my last post, not because nothing has happened, but because I am lazy.  I moved from Alaska and finally settled elsewhere in the beautiful pacific northwest.  I never did find a full-time teaching position and ended up substitute teaching in two of the school districts in the area.  Dependent on the number of teachers needing subs, it ultimately ended up being a part-time job.  Enough to keep me busy, but not always quite enough to pay all the bills.  I had 2 long car drives in the past 3 days and so I've had a lot of time to think.  This is what I've come up with.

This is a strong statement, and I use it very deliberately: I hate substitute teaching with every fiber of my being.  It is unpredictable and stressful and filled with unknowns - all those things that I am horrible at handling.  God has stripped from my life everything that is stable and predictable.  I literally have nothing and no one left in my life.  I'm standing all alone.  But that is exactly where God has decided that I need to be.  That choice is not God's second choice or someplace that He stuck me because He couldn't make anything else work.  It is God's first choice for me and is borne out of His never-ending, unfailing love.  I don't like it.  I don't understand it.  But that's okay.  God never said I had to enjoy it.  He only calls me to obey.  So, as miserable and lonely as I am, that is what I'm going to do.  I'm going to obey.

And this is the truth that I am holding onto: The God I know is the master of bring good things out of miserable situations.  He *will* redeem this.  I don't know what He's going to do or how or when or how long it will take.  But the only thing I have left to hold onto is that He will.  And it will be good.

A Response to Tragedy

I recognize that, most likely, no one will read this, but I feel the need to publicly express what's rolling around in my heart and mind this morning regarding the tragedy in Connecticut.

Although I know that schools are quite possibly the safest places to be, one of my greatest fears as a teacher is someone coming to school with a gun, intent on doing harm.  That fear was realized for too many people today.  My heart is broken.  There are no words to express how deeply saddened I am at the loss of young lives.

However, many are latching on to this horrific event as an excuse to promote their own gun control agendas.  That, in my mind, is absolutely inappropriate.  First of all, show some respect for those who are mourning.  Give them a chance to grieve before turning their sadness into a political opportunity.  (I regret the fact that they feel the need to politicize this instead of providing comfort and shoulders to cry on, but this is the reality of the world we live in.)  Second of all, this is not a gun control issue.  More stringent gun control would not have prevented this tragedy.  The shooter's mother owned her guns legally, but it did not stop this young man from using those guns to commit an atrocity.  If someone wants a gun to shoot inside an elementary school, or anywhere else for that matter, he/she will obtain a gun, legally or otherwise.  Laws only keep honest people honest.  Those intent on harming others do not, generally, show concern for how many laws they are breaking in the process. 

The issue here is not gun control or safety measures in schools (or lack thereof).  The issue here is not that simple.  The issue here is the hate and anger that was allowed to take root in a broken young man's heart.  A hate that only Jesus can heal.  The senseless loss of life included this young man who was in so much pain that shooting others, and then himself, seemed the only option left.  Oh, how this world needs Jesus.  It's not a simple answer.  It's not a politically correct answer.  But it's the only answer that makes sense.  Jesus is the only hope left to turn to.  Let us use this tragedy not as an excuse to promote our own selfish political agendas, but as an opportunity to share His hope and love with a broken world searching for answers.


P.S.  Just in case you feel the need to be mean: please no angry, argumentative, political, or otherwise disrespectful comments.  They are not welcome and will be deleted.

The Job Search

As some of you know, I decided back in February to not sign the offered contract for next year.  There are myriad reasons, both personal and professional, that all add up to the fact that it’s time to move on; Alaska is not a good fit for me anymore.  Because of that, I am now 10 school days (and 15 days total) away from joining the ranks of the unemployed.  Besides the obvious, there are 2 problems with this: I don’t know where to look, and I don’t deal well with rejection.

I have been told that the sky is the limit, and it really is.  I am not married, have no kids, no significant other, and no attachment with any particular geographic location.  I could literally go anywhere in the world.  For someone who has trouble making decisions, this is not a good thing.  I have narrowed it down to somewhere closer to my family.  That doesn’t really help, though, because there are several states that are closer to Idaho than where I am now: Washington, Oregon, Montana, Wyoming, Utah, Colorado, the Dakotas, California, etc.  I’m kind of overwhelmed.  The trouble is not with finding a job.  The trouble is with knowing where to look and how to focus the search. 

I don’t deal well with rejection.  At all.  This is because I tend to take things personally, and this is proving especially true in relation to teaching.  Teaching isn’t just a job or a career for me; it’s a calling.  Being a teacher is part of who I am.  Therefore, when I am told that I am not what they are looking for or I’m not good enough, they are not just rejecting me for the job.  It feels like they are personally rejecting me as a person.  It’s not true, and form letters should be impersonal enough to soften the blow, but they don't.  It’s enough to throw me into a funk. 

Spring is finally making a beautiful appearance in Alaska, but I am having a hard time enjoying because I am so burdened by my inability to find a job, the hassles of moving 2000 miles south, and the inevitable rejection that accompanies a job search.