Assumptions

There was a series of situations one evening this last week that ended with me in tears.  Things just kept going wrong and I ended up falling apart with feelings of failure that lingered for most of the rest of the night.

There usually is one night each summer when I reach a breaking point and have a complete meltdown.  However, in the past, someone has always been around to walk through it with me (and I very much miss those people).  But not this year.  This year, no one was there to catch me when I fell.  It was a very lonely realization.  I'm tired of always being the strong one.  It's like everyone has this preconceived notions about me, and they don't want to push me too far, so they don't push at all.  They just leave me alone, assuming I'll be okay.  I project a sense of solidity that is really just a mask to cover up my fears.  Because of this, I feel like everyone has all sorts of assumptions about me, instead of getting to know me.  They take my reluctance to form friendships at face value, instead of pushing further and discovering who I really am.  They assume I don't want/need hugs, friends, conversations, invitations to join in, when in fact that's all I really do need.  I'm doing life alone and everyone assumes I'm okay with it.  And at a certain level, I am.  As I've said before, groups of people make me nervous and large groups actually scare me a little.  But in my deepest heart of hearts, I know we were not created to go through life alone.  We need each other.  It's just a matter of finding one or two people willing to push past the facade and get to know the real me, without getting scared off.  Simple enough, right?