I am a painfully shy introvert. It's a horrible combination, but the truth. I think I'm getting it figured out, though. Human being make me nervous. Real, live, messy human relationships scare me. As an introvert, I'm a thinker. I have 10,000 things going on in my mind at any given time. When I'm in a group of people, I am usually an observer, not a participant (painfully shy, remember?). So, I'm trying to process everything I'm seeing, and everything other people are saying and doing, and also processing all the stuff in my mind. It's over-stimulating and overwhelming. I just can't process everything fast enough. That's stressful. And then there's the added stress of keeping it all inside because I really don't have anyone to talk to.
That's where the "painfully shy" thing comes into play. I don't make friends easily. I'm too shy to take the first step and initiate. I wait for someone to approach me, which very rarely happens. And even then, I initially resist out of fear. The person has to be committed to befriending me; 9.5 times out of 10 that is not the case. Hence, I have few acquaintances, even fewer friends, and no true close friends.
It's a lonely way to go through life. The question then becomes, why has the God of relationships doomed me to a life of loneliness? I can't believe that is true. That's not the God I know. I've spent the last 29 years pretending that I'm okay with situations and stuff that I'm not okay with, trying to follow the advice that public speaking gets easier that more I do it, thinking that there's something wrong with me because I'm not like everyone else. I'm done pretending to be someone that I'm not. How do I stay true to my personality, while not using it as a crutch or excuse to avoid fear-causing situations?
This is a lonely life I'm living, but I refuse to believe that this is it. There's got to be more to life. There has to be. The Bible is full of stories of amazing people with abundant lives filled with purpose and meaning. I want that. So, how do I get there?
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Hi Mary,
ReplyDeleteBeing an introvert can be a gift as much as a challenge. Here is a link to 1 talk that you might find helpful and uplifting: http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html
You can also just got to TED.com and type in "introvert" in the subject heading for several excellent talks on the subject. Hang in there--and keep pressing forward :-)