Assumptions

There was a series of situations one evening this last week that ended with me in tears.  Things just kept going wrong and I ended up falling apart with feelings of failure that lingered for most of the rest of the night.

There usually is one night each summer when I reach a breaking point and have a complete meltdown.  However, in the past, someone has always been around to walk through it with me (and I very much miss those people).  But not this year.  This year, no one was there to catch me when I fell.  It was a very lonely realization.  I'm tired of always being the strong one.  It's like everyone has this preconceived notions about me, and they don't want to push me too far, so they don't push at all.  They just leave me alone, assuming I'll be okay.  I project a sense of solidity that is really just a mask to cover up my fears.  Because of this, I feel like everyone has all sorts of assumptions about me, instead of getting to know me.  They take my reluctance to form friendships at face value, instead of pushing further and discovering who I really am.  They assume I don't want/need hugs, friends, conversations, invitations to join in, when in fact that's all I really do need.  I'm doing life alone and everyone assumes I'm okay with it.  And at a certain level, I am.  As I've said before, groups of people make me nervous and large groups actually scare me a little.  But in my deepest heart of hearts, I know we were not created to go through life alone.  We need each other.  It's just a matter of finding one or two people willing to push past the facade and get to know the real me, without getting scared off.  Simple enough, right?

Introversion

I am a painfully shy introvert.  It's a horrible combination, but the truth.  I think I'm getting it figured out, though.  Human being make me nervous.  Real, live, messy human relationships scare me.  As an introvert, I'm a thinker.  I have 10,000 things going on in my mind at any given time.  When I'm in a group of people, I am usually an observer, not a participant (painfully shy, remember?).  So, I'm trying to process everything I'm seeing, and everything other people are saying and doing, and also processing all the stuff in my mind.  It's over-stimulating and overwhelming.  I just can't process everything fast enough.  That's stressful.  And then there's the added stress of keeping it all inside because I really don't have anyone to talk to.

That's where the "painfully shy" thing comes into play.  I don't make friends easily.  I'm too shy to take the first step and initiate.  I wait for someone to approach me, which very rarely happens.  And even then, I initially resist out of fear.  The person has to be committed to befriending me; 9.5 times out of 10 that is not the case.  Hence, I have few acquaintances, even fewer friends, and no true close friends. 

It's a lonely way to go through life.  The question then becomes, why has the God of relationships doomed me to a life of loneliness?  I can't believe that is true.  That's not the God I know.  I've spent the last 29 years pretending that I'm okay with situations and stuff that I'm not okay with, trying to follow the advice that public speaking gets easier that more I do it, thinking that there's something wrong with me because I'm not like everyone else.  I'm done pretending to be someone that I'm not.  How do I stay true to my personality, while not using it as a crutch or excuse to avoid fear-causing situations?

This is a lonely life I'm living, but I refuse to believe that this is it.  There's got to be more to life.  There has to be.  The Bible is full of stories of amazing people with abundant lives filled with purpose and meaning.  I want that.  So, how do I get there?

Life

It has been at least a year since my last post, not because nothing has happened, but because I am lazy.  I moved from Alaska and finally settled elsewhere in the beautiful pacific northwest.  I never did find a full-time teaching position and ended up substitute teaching in two of the school districts in the area.  Dependent on the number of teachers needing subs, it ultimately ended up being a part-time job.  Enough to keep me busy, but not always quite enough to pay all the bills.  I had 2 long car drives in the past 3 days and so I've had a lot of time to think.  This is what I've come up with.

This is a strong statement, and I use it very deliberately: I hate substitute teaching with every fiber of my being.  It is unpredictable and stressful and filled with unknowns - all those things that I am horrible at handling.  God has stripped from my life everything that is stable and predictable.  I literally have nothing and no one left in my life.  I'm standing all alone.  But that is exactly where God has decided that I need to be.  That choice is not God's second choice or someplace that He stuck me because He couldn't make anything else work.  It is God's first choice for me and is borne out of His never-ending, unfailing love.  I don't like it.  I don't understand it.  But that's okay.  God never said I had to enjoy it.  He only calls me to obey.  So, as miserable and lonely as I am, that is what I'm going to do.  I'm going to obey.

And this is the truth that I am holding onto: The God I know is the master of bring good things out of miserable situations.  He *will* redeem this.  I don't know what He's going to do or how or when or how long it will take.  But the only thing I have left to hold onto is that He will.  And it will be good.