Little background note for understanding this story: I love snow. I always have. Growing up in a desert, we didn't see much of the white stuff. On the rare occasion that it did snow, it hardly ever stuck. But I've always loved seeing it. When I lived in Alaska, I loved the overnight and early morning snows. I would walk out the door on my way to school and be stopped by the pervading stillness of freshly falling snow. It was the only time that the village was truly quiet and peaceful. Now I live in another place where it actually snows in the winter and I love it.
That's all background. Here's the actual story.
I'm in a desert season of life. One of those seasons when God seems silent and far away. My prayer recently has been that God would do something, show up somehow or somewhere. Anything to let me know that God hadn't forgotten me, that He was still in charge, and knew what He was doing. I'm also reading a book called Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge with a group of women. The part of the book we are reading right now is about how God romances us as women. We were challenged to ask God to romance us, to show us truly how and how much He really loves us. As you can see, that aligns with my life prayer right now - God would show up and remind me that He loves me.
This morning, as I was getting ready for church, I started praying, asking God to romance me, but not believing that He actually would. I've prayed this sort of prayer before, with no results. As I brushed my teeth, I walked over to a window to see if the weather really was a gross as the forecast. And guess what I saw?! That's right, snowflakes. They weren't sticking and there weren't many of them and they didn't last long, but God gave me snowflakes. My heart swelled with love and I couldn't stifle a smile. Praise bubbled out of my heart. God really does love me. I might be reading too much into it, but I believe God used an early morning snow flurry to woo my heart. And that's what happens when God shows up.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
A Recent Choice
I was called for a two-day substitute assignment in a kindergarten classroom this week. I was a bit skeptical about taking a job during the first couple weeks of school, but I figured that beggars can't be choosers. Those two days were very long days. I spent most of the time putting out fires brought on by lack of social skills. After that experience, I decided that I am not going to take any more jobs, regardless of grade, this week or next week.
I made this decision for three reasons. First, coming in as a substitute is a change, and it doesn't matter what age kids are, they don't deal well with change. It doesn't matter how detailed the substitute plans are, I can't do things exactly the same way their teacher does things. Throwing change at them during the first few weeks of school while they are still adjusting to a new routine will not end well. Secondly, because I'm a change, I want to keep as many things the same as I can, including the behavior/discipline plan. Regardless of whether I'm comfortable with it or not, I have to stick with what the teacher has set up. Again, that won't necessarily end well. Third, I don't know the students. That is true for the whole year, but it's even worse at the beginning of the year. The teacher may not know his/her students well enough yet to give a heads-up about possible behavior issues that I might encounter.
Even as I'm writing this, I feel like it's a justification for being lazy, not working. I know these are decent reasons, though, and I'm choosing to not make my life miserable. I need the assignments to pay the bills, but I also don't want to develop an ulcer by the time I turn 30.
I made this decision for three reasons. First, coming in as a substitute is a change, and it doesn't matter what age kids are, they don't deal well with change. It doesn't matter how detailed the substitute plans are, I can't do things exactly the same way their teacher does things. Throwing change at them during the first few weeks of school while they are still adjusting to a new routine will not end well. Secondly, because I'm a change, I want to keep as many things the same as I can, including the behavior/discipline plan. Regardless of whether I'm comfortable with it or not, I have to stick with what the teacher has set up. Again, that won't necessarily end well. Third, I don't know the students. That is true for the whole year, but it's even worse at the beginning of the year. The teacher may not know his/her students well enough yet to give a heads-up about possible behavior issues that I might encounter.
Even as I'm writing this, I feel like it's a justification for being lazy, not working. I know these are decent reasons, though, and I'm choosing to not make my life miserable. I need the assignments to pay the bills, but I also don't want to develop an ulcer by the time I turn 30.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Substitute Teaching
I'm sure how coherent this will be. I have many thoughts rolling around in my head on this Saturday night. I'm sure they're related somehow, but I'm not sure I know or can articulate the connections. As I stare into the face of a new school year, one in which is looks like I will be substitute teaching again, I know I need to make some changes from last year. The last school year was miserable. I didn't deal well with the unknown and the anxiety that accompanied it. It was a long, dark winter of the soul, one that lasted well into June. Then, I went to camp for the summer, a place where God shows up and lives are changed. I was reminded that there is a big world outside of worrying about money and trying to find a job. There is more to life; there has to be.
This year will be different. I had hoped to find a full-time teaching position, but it doesn't look like that will be happening. God has apparently called me to be a substitute. I don't know the reasons why, but God never promised to give us all the answers. I may not like it, but God never said that we have to like everything He gives us. He does call us to obey, however. And obeying is walking through the one and only door that He has opened: substitute teaching. So that is what I'm going to do. And I'm going to do it with optimism. I won't let the anxiety get to me like I did last year.
I did a Bible study by Beth Moore last year that included this quote: "God cannot make a decision for my life outside His lavish love for me." Substitute teaching is not just what happened because God couldn't make anything else work. Substitute teaching is God's first choice for me. And anything He gives me is borne out of His great love for me. I don't understand that love, and I certainly don't deserve it, but I am eternally grateful for it.
Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." God knows the cries and desires of my heart. He knows, even when I don't have the words. Especially when I don't have the words. As I focus this year on delighting myself in God and being faithful in obeying what He has placed in my life, I have to trust the He knows and hears the desires of my heart and will be faithful in fulfilling them.
This year will be different. I had hoped to find a full-time teaching position, but it doesn't look like that will be happening. God has apparently called me to be a substitute. I don't know the reasons why, but God never promised to give us all the answers. I may not like it, but God never said that we have to like everything He gives us. He does call us to obey, however. And obeying is walking through the one and only door that He has opened: substitute teaching. So that is what I'm going to do. And I'm going to do it with optimism. I won't let the anxiety get to me like I did last year.
I did a Bible study by Beth Moore last year that included this quote: "God cannot make a decision for my life outside His lavish love for me." Substitute teaching is not just what happened because God couldn't make anything else work. Substitute teaching is God's first choice for me. And anything He gives me is borne out of His great love for me. I don't understand that love, and I certainly don't deserve it, but I am eternally grateful for it.
Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." God knows the cries and desires of my heart. He knows, even when I don't have the words. Especially when I don't have the words. As I focus this year on delighting myself in God and being faithful in obeying what He has placed in my life, I have to trust the He knows and hears the desires of my heart and will be faithful in fulfilling them.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Assumptions
There was a series of situations one evening this last week that ended with me in tears. Things just kept going wrong and I ended up falling apart with feelings of failure that lingered for most of the rest of the night.
There usually is one night each summer when I reach a breaking point and have a complete meltdown. However, in the past, someone has always been around to walk through it with me (and I very much miss those people). But not this year. This year, no one was there to catch me when I fell. It was a very lonely realization. I'm tired of always being the strong one. It's like everyone has this preconceived notions about me, and they don't want to push me too far, so they don't push at all. They just leave me alone, assuming I'll be okay. I project a sense of solidity that is really just a mask to cover up my fears. Because of this, I feel like everyone has all sorts of assumptions about me, instead of getting to know me. They take my reluctance to form friendships at face value, instead of pushing further and discovering who I really am. They assume I don't want/need hugs, friends, conversations, invitations to join in, when in fact that's all I really do need. I'm doing life alone and everyone assumes I'm okay with it. And at a certain level, I am. As I've said before, groups of people make me nervous and large groups actually scare me a little. But in my deepest heart of hearts, I know we were not created to go through life alone. We need each other. It's just a matter of finding one or two people willing to push past the facade and get to know the real me, without getting scared off. Simple enough, right?
There usually is one night each summer when I reach a breaking point and have a complete meltdown. However, in the past, someone has always been around to walk through it with me (and I very much miss those people). But not this year. This year, no one was there to catch me when I fell. It was a very lonely realization. I'm tired of always being the strong one. It's like everyone has this preconceived notions about me, and they don't want to push me too far, so they don't push at all. They just leave me alone, assuming I'll be okay. I project a sense of solidity that is really just a mask to cover up my fears. Because of this, I feel like everyone has all sorts of assumptions about me, instead of getting to know me. They take my reluctance to form friendships at face value, instead of pushing further and discovering who I really am. They assume I don't want/need hugs, friends, conversations, invitations to join in, when in fact that's all I really do need. I'm doing life alone and everyone assumes I'm okay with it. And at a certain level, I am. As I've said before, groups of people make me nervous and large groups actually scare me a little. But in my deepest heart of hearts, I know we were not created to go through life alone. We need each other. It's just a matter of finding one or two people willing to push past the facade and get to know the real me, without getting scared off. Simple enough, right?
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Introversion
I am a painfully shy introvert. It's a horrible combination, but the truth. I think I'm getting it figured out, though. Human being make me nervous. Real, live, messy human relationships scare me. As an introvert, I'm a thinker. I have 10,000 things going on in my mind at any given time. When I'm in a group of people, I am usually an observer, not a participant (painfully shy, remember?). So, I'm trying to process everything I'm seeing, and everything other people are saying and doing, and also processing all the stuff in my mind. It's over-stimulating and overwhelming. I just can't process everything fast enough. That's stressful. And then there's the added stress of keeping it all inside because I really don't have anyone to talk to.
That's where the "painfully shy" thing comes into play. I don't make friends easily. I'm too shy to take the first step and initiate. I wait for someone to approach me, which very rarely happens. And even then, I initially resist out of fear. The person has to be committed to befriending me; 9.5 times out of 10 that is not the case. Hence, I have few acquaintances, even fewer friends, and no true close friends.
It's a lonely way to go through life. The question then becomes, why has the God of relationships doomed me to a life of loneliness? I can't believe that is true. That's not the God I know. I've spent the last 29 years pretending that I'm okay with situations and stuff that I'm not okay with, trying to follow the advice that public speaking gets easier that more I do it, thinking that there's something wrong with me because I'm not like everyone else. I'm done pretending to be someone that I'm not. How do I stay true to my personality, while not using it as a crutch or excuse to avoid fear-causing situations?
This is a lonely life I'm living, but I refuse to believe that this is it. There's got to be more to life. There has to be. The Bible is full of stories of amazing people with abundant lives filled with purpose and meaning. I want that. So, how do I get there?
That's where the "painfully shy" thing comes into play. I don't make friends easily. I'm too shy to take the first step and initiate. I wait for someone to approach me, which very rarely happens. And even then, I initially resist out of fear. The person has to be committed to befriending me; 9.5 times out of 10 that is not the case. Hence, I have few acquaintances, even fewer friends, and no true close friends.
It's a lonely way to go through life. The question then becomes, why has the God of relationships doomed me to a life of loneliness? I can't believe that is true. That's not the God I know. I've spent the last 29 years pretending that I'm okay with situations and stuff that I'm not okay with, trying to follow the advice that public speaking gets easier that more I do it, thinking that there's something wrong with me because I'm not like everyone else. I'm done pretending to be someone that I'm not. How do I stay true to my personality, while not using it as a crutch or excuse to avoid fear-causing situations?
This is a lonely life I'm living, but I refuse to believe that this is it. There's got to be more to life. There has to be. The Bible is full of stories of amazing people with abundant lives filled with purpose and meaning. I want that. So, how do I get there?
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Life
It has been at least a year since my last post, not because nothing has happened, but because I am lazy. I moved from Alaska and finally settled elsewhere in the beautiful pacific northwest. I never did find a full-time teaching position and ended up substitute teaching in two of the school districts in the area. Dependent on the number of teachers needing subs, it ultimately ended up being a part-time job. Enough to keep me busy, but not always quite enough to pay all the bills. I had 2 long car drives in the past 3 days and so I've had a lot of time to think. This is what I've come up with.
This is a strong statement, and I use it very deliberately: I hate substitute teaching with every fiber of my being. It is unpredictable and stressful and filled with unknowns - all those things that I am horrible at handling. God has stripped from my life everything that is stable and predictable. I literally have nothing and no one left in my life. I'm standing all alone. But that is exactly where God has decided that I need to be. That choice is not God's second choice or someplace that He stuck me because He couldn't make anything else work. It is God's first choice for me and is borne out of His never-ending, unfailing love. I don't like it. I don't understand it. But that's okay. God never said I had to enjoy it. He only calls me to obey. So, as miserable and lonely as I am, that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to obey.
And this is the truth that I am holding onto: The God I know is the master of bring good things out of miserable situations. He *will* redeem this. I don't know what He's going to do or how or when or how long it will take. But the only thing I have left to hold onto is that He will. And it will be good.
This is a strong statement, and I use it very deliberately: I hate substitute teaching with every fiber of my being. It is unpredictable and stressful and filled with unknowns - all those things that I am horrible at handling. God has stripped from my life everything that is stable and predictable. I literally have nothing and no one left in my life. I'm standing all alone. But that is exactly where God has decided that I need to be. That choice is not God's second choice or someplace that He stuck me because He couldn't make anything else work. It is God's first choice for me and is borne out of His never-ending, unfailing love. I don't like it. I don't understand it. But that's okay. God never said I had to enjoy it. He only calls me to obey. So, as miserable and lonely as I am, that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to obey.
And this is the truth that I am holding onto: The God I know is the master of bring good things out of miserable situations. He *will* redeem this. I don't know what He's going to do or how or when or how long it will take. But the only thing I have left to hold onto is that He will. And it will be good.
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