Alone Vs. Left Alone

I've recently been thinking about the distinction between being alone and being left alone.  They're two entirely different things, but they can accomplish the same end result.  I used to think that to recharge my "energy battery," I needed to be completely alone, but I don't think that's entirely true anymore.

There are times when I am done with people.  Too many people for too long.  In that case, just go away.  Solitude is needed.

However, sometimes I don't need or necessarily even want to be completely alone.  I just want to be left alone.  I acknowledge your presence, you acknowledge mine, and we both go about our business independently, even though we are occupying the same area.  I am aware that you are there, I am thankful that you are there, but I'm not necessarily going to further acknowledge or interact with you. 

I think an example is in order.  I am working this summer at the same summer camp that I have worked out in previous years.  At one point during program staff orientation, we were all up in the craft house.  I don't remember why we were all there, but we were and it turned into a game of "Help the Craft Director Make Sense of the Madness/Mess That Is Her Craft House," while also using some of her supplies for some purpose. (I don't exactly remember what.)  What I do know is that I ended up painting a sign for the Welcome Night Campfire.  I had someone else draw out the lettering, and then I staked out a corner and started painting it.  I was aware of the other staff members and their busy-ness, but they left me alone over in the corner with my painting job.  It allowed me to recharge for the afternoon while still being a part of the group. 

Reminiscing

As I was sitting on the deck eating my Subway sandwich this evening, I started thinking about my time in Alaska.  I think it started with thinking about my new job, and then devolved into a trip down memory lane.  It all centered around a single question: Why did I stay there so long?

It seems that there are two kinds of teachers in bush Alaska.  There are the "one-year wonders."  They stay for a year and do great, but can't leave fast enough at the end of it.  Then you have the "lifers."  These are the people who come to Alaska right out of college and retire/leave when they die.  I was neither. 

Confession: I didn't really have any friends in Alaska.  I had no support system in place.  Despite the fact that I lived and worked with the same people, I didn't really connect with them.  This made life very lonely.  Any rational person would have left after a year or two, yet I stayed six years.  Why? 

The people I worked with were very different from me.  Just about any time I spent with them was spent listening to their stories about sexual experiences/conquests, drinking, lamenting the fact that they couldn't legally drink in the village, which always led to reminiscing about things they did while drunk in Nome.  I'm not like that, nor do I wish to be.  It obviously wasn't about my co-workers, so again, why did I stay?

These are the reasons why:

• The kids were the cutest little Eskimos you ever did see.
• The community was wonderful.  I wasn't accepted right away (that took five years), but I was welcomed by everyone.
• It was Alaska.  The Norton Sound was (literally) my front yard.
• It was Alaska.  The land was beautiful.
• Snow.
• I could take my kids cross-country skiing instead of going to the gym and no one thought twice about it.
• Field trips were amazing.
• The Iditarod.  The learning implications of this event are almost endless.  We were limited in what we could do with first graders, but with an older grade, or even partnered with an older grade, there are so many learning entry points:
• Math - distance, speed, etc.
• Science - dog physiology, micro-evolution, why racing poodles maybe isn't the best idea
• Geography
• History - Joe Redington, Sr. and his crazy idea for a sled dog race
• Writing - the possibilities are endless
• I appreciated spring like never before.  When winter lasts until May, melting snow and the sound of running water in the morning never ceased to bring a smile to my face.
• We got creative to meet needs.  This is where my passion for small districts comes from.  I see now that we could have done so much more, but I never would have this perspective if not for that experience.

 No sane person would have stayed as long as I did with so many negatives.  It was my first job, however, so I didn't know how bad it actually was.  I'm so glad, though, that I finally came to my senses (mostly through interacting with others in my master's studies) and realized that teaching can be so much more than it was in our small corner of bush Alaska.  I am very much looking forward to working with a staff of people who like each other, who talk to each other, who work together to make instruction better for everyone, a place where I can actually belong.  I'm excited to see what teaching can really be like.

A New Job!

God is so faithful!  After 5 interviews and 4 rejections, I have been offered a full-time teaching position!  I will be moving again, this time from the big city to a small town.  I'm okay with that.  Knowing that there is full-time employment - a job that I have been praying for for 2 years - at the other end makes it worth the stress and cost of moving. 

However, it's certainly not what I envisioned.  I love that it's a small school in a small district.  After teaching in a small school in Alaska, I have a passion for finding creative ways to meet the challenges inherent to small schools and districts.  The first part that I didn't envision was the fact that the school is almost 90% Hispanic.  Lots and lots of little Spanish-speakers running around.  I speak exactly zero Spanish.  That could get interesting. 

The other interesting part is that I will be teaching fifth-grade.  I'm admittedly nervous about that part.  My only experience with fifth-grade is from substitute teaching and those weren't necessarily pleasant experiences.  When I was first offered the job, my initial mental reaction was, "Not a chance."  However, the principal then spent 20 minutes convincing me that fifth-grade wasn't bad and that I wouldn't have a problem.  She said that there is a strong fifth-grade teaching team, and that most of their behavior issues are in K-1, not in the older grades.  That's my biggest concern - behavior.  However, if I'm there from the beginning of the year and respect is set as a non-negotiable expectation, it'll be different from coming in as a substitute who has to prove herself every time she steps into a new classroom.  And it's not as though I'm locked in for the next 10 years.  If, after a year or two, I absolutely cannot stand another day in fifth-grade, there are options for moving down to other grades.

My thinking now is that this whole job search has been under so much prayer for so long, that if this is the call that came first, then obviously that's where God wants me next year.  We can talk about the grade level later.

When God Shows Up

Little background note for understanding this story: I love snow.  I always have.  Growing up in a desert, we didn't see much of the white stuff.  On the rare occasion that it did snow, it hardly ever stuck.  But I've always loved seeing it.  When I lived in Alaska, I loved the overnight and early morning snows.  I would walk out the door on my way to school and be stopped by the pervading stillness of freshly falling snow.  It was the only time that the village was truly quiet and peaceful.  Now I live in another place where it actually snows in the winter and I love it.

That's all background.  Here's the actual story.

I'm in a desert season of life.  One of those seasons when God seems silent and far away.  My prayer recently has been that God would do something, show up somehow or somewhere.  Anything to let me know that God hadn't forgotten me, that He was still in charge, and knew what He was doing.  I'm also reading a book called Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge with a group of women.  The part of the book we are reading right now is about how God romances us as women.  We were challenged to ask God to romance us, to show us truly how and how much He really loves us.  As you can see, that aligns with my life prayer right now - God would show up and remind me that He loves me. 

This morning, as I was getting ready for church, I started praying, asking God to romance me, but not believing that He actually would.  I've prayed this sort of prayer before, with no results.  As I brushed my teeth, I walked over to a window to see if the weather really was a gross as the forecast.  And guess what I saw?!  That's right, snowflakes.  They weren't sticking and there weren't many of them and they didn't last long, but God gave me snowflakes.  My heart swelled with love and I couldn't stifle a smile.  Praise bubbled out of my heart.  God really does love me.  I might be reading too much into it, but I believe God used an early morning snow flurry to woo my heart.  And that's what happens when God shows up.

A Recent Choice

I was called for a two-day substitute assignment in a kindergarten classroom this week.  I was a bit skeptical about taking a job during the first couple weeks of school, but I figured that beggars can't be choosers.  Those two days were very long days.  I spent most of the time putting out fires brought on by lack of social skills.  After that experience, I decided that I am not going to take any more jobs, regardless of grade, this week or next week. 

I made this decision for three reasons.  First, coming in as a substitute is a change, and it doesn't matter what age kids are, they don't deal well with change.  It doesn't matter how detailed the substitute plans are, I can't do things exactly the same way their teacher does things.  Throwing change at them during the first few weeks of school while they are still adjusting to a new routine will not end well.  Secondly, because I'm a change, I want to keep as many things the same as I can, including the behavior/discipline plan.  Regardless of whether I'm comfortable with it or not, I have to stick with what the teacher has set up.  Again, that won't necessarily end well.  Third, I don't know the students.  That is true for the whole year, but it's even worse at the beginning of the year.  The teacher may not know his/her students well enough yet to give a heads-up about possible behavior issues that I might encounter. 

Even as I'm writing this, I feel like it's a justification for being lazy, not working.  I know these are decent reasons, though, and I'm choosing to not make my life miserable.  I need the assignments to pay the bills, but I also don't want to develop an ulcer by the time I turn 30. 

Substitute Teaching

I'm sure how coherent this will be.  I have many thoughts rolling around in my head on this Saturday night.  I'm sure they're related somehow, but I'm not sure I know or can articulate the connections.  As I stare into the face of a new school year, one in which is looks like I will be substitute teaching again, I know I need to make some changes from last year.  The last school year was miserable.  I didn't deal well with the unknown and the anxiety that accompanied it.  It was a long, dark winter of the soul, one that lasted well into June.  Then, I went to camp for the summer, a place where God shows up and lives are changed.  I was reminded that there is a big world outside of worrying about money and trying to find a job.  There is more to life; there has to be.

This year will be different.  I had hoped to find a full-time teaching position, but it doesn't look like that will be happening.  God has apparently called me to be a substitute.  I don't know the reasons why, but God never promised to give us all the answers.  I may not like it, but God never said that we have to like everything He gives us.  He does call us to obey, however.  And obeying is walking through the one and only door that He has opened: substitute teaching.  So that is what I'm going to do.  And I'm going to do it with optimism.  I won't let the anxiety get to me like I did last year.

I did a Bible study by Beth Moore last year that included this quote: "God cannot make a decision for my life outside His lavish love for me."  Substitute teaching is not just what happened because God couldn't make anything else work.  Substitute teaching is God's first choice for me.  And anything He gives me is borne out of His great love for me.  I don't understand that love, and I certainly don't deserve it, but I am eternally grateful for it.

Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  God knows the cries and desires of my heart.  He knows, even when I don't have the words.  Especially when I don't have the words.  As I focus this year on delighting myself in God and being faithful in obeying what He has placed in my life, I have to trust the He knows and hears the desires of my heart and will be faithful in fulfilling them.

Assumptions

There was a series of situations one evening this last week that ended with me in tears.  Things just kept going wrong and I ended up falling apart with feelings of failure that lingered for most of the rest of the night.

There usually is one night each summer when I reach a breaking point and have a complete meltdown.  However, in the past, someone has always been around to walk through it with me (and I very much miss those people).  But not this year.  This year, no one was there to catch me when I fell.  It was a very lonely realization.  I'm tired of always being the strong one.  It's like everyone has this preconceived notions about me, and they don't want to push me too far, so they don't push at all.  They just leave me alone, assuming I'll be okay.  I project a sense of solidity that is really just a mask to cover up my fears.  Because of this, I feel like everyone has all sorts of assumptions about me, instead of getting to know me.  They take my reluctance to form friendships at face value, instead of pushing further and discovering who I really am.  They assume I don't want/need hugs, friends, conversations, invitations to join in, when in fact that's all I really do need.  I'm doing life alone and everyone assumes I'm okay with it.  And at a certain level, I am.  As I've said before, groups of people make me nervous and large groups actually scare me a little.  But in my deepest heart of hearts, I know we were not created to go through life alone.  We need each other.  It's just a matter of finding one or two people willing to push past the facade and get to know the real me, without getting scared off.  Simple enough, right?