A Recent Choice

I was called for a two-day substitute assignment in a kindergarten classroom this week.  I was a bit skeptical about taking a job during the first couple weeks of school, but I figured that beggars can't be choosers.  Those two days were very long days.  I spent most of the time putting out fires brought on by lack of social skills.  After that experience, I decided that I am not going to take any more jobs, regardless of grade, this week or next week. 

I made this decision for three reasons.  First, coming in as a substitute is a change, and it doesn't matter what age kids are, they don't deal well with change.  It doesn't matter how detailed the substitute plans are, I can't do things exactly the same way their teacher does things.  Throwing change at them during the first few weeks of school while they are still adjusting to a new routine will not end well.  Secondly, because I'm a change, I want to keep as many things the same as I can, including the behavior/discipline plan.  Regardless of whether I'm comfortable with it or not, I have to stick with what the teacher has set up.  Again, that won't necessarily end well.  Third, I don't know the students.  That is true for the whole year, but it's even worse at the beginning of the year.  The teacher may not know his/her students well enough yet to give a heads-up about possible behavior issues that I might encounter. 

Even as I'm writing this, I feel like it's a justification for being lazy, not working.  I know these are decent reasons, though, and I'm choosing to not make my life miserable.  I need the assignments to pay the bills, but I also don't want to develop an ulcer by the time I turn 30. 

Substitute Teaching

I'm sure how coherent this will be.  I have many thoughts rolling around in my head on this Saturday night.  I'm sure they're related somehow, but I'm not sure I know or can articulate the connections.  As I stare into the face of a new school year, one in which is looks like I will be substitute teaching again, I know I need to make some changes from last year.  The last school year was miserable.  I didn't deal well with the unknown and the anxiety that accompanied it.  It was a long, dark winter of the soul, one that lasted well into June.  Then, I went to camp for the summer, a place where God shows up and lives are changed.  I was reminded that there is a big world outside of worrying about money and trying to find a job.  There is more to life; there has to be.

This year will be different.  I had hoped to find a full-time teaching position, but it doesn't look like that will be happening.  God has apparently called me to be a substitute.  I don't know the reasons why, but God never promised to give us all the answers.  I may not like it, but God never said that we have to like everything He gives us.  He does call us to obey, however.  And obeying is walking through the one and only door that He has opened: substitute teaching.  So that is what I'm going to do.  And I'm going to do it with optimism.  I won't let the anxiety get to me like I did last year.

I did a Bible study by Beth Moore last year that included this quote: "God cannot make a decision for my life outside His lavish love for me."  Substitute teaching is not just what happened because God couldn't make anything else work.  Substitute teaching is God's first choice for me.  And anything He gives me is borne out of His great love for me.  I don't understand that love, and I certainly don't deserve it, but I am eternally grateful for it.

Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  God knows the cries and desires of my heart.  He knows, even when I don't have the words.  Especially when I don't have the words.  As I focus this year on delighting myself in God and being faithful in obeying what He has placed in my life, I have to trust the He knows and hears the desires of my heart and will be faithful in fulfilling them.